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punkyone18
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Name: Roger
Country: United States
State: Michigan
Birthday: 12/18/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Hey guys, my name is Roger, I am gay, I live in Grand Rapids, MI, I love to Dance, I like any type of music, I do have a boyfriend who means the world to me, I like cats, I have one her name is sassy, I like to go out, love the beach, I love winter, and I like to play pool, I like to spend time with my mom, I am a mommys boi! and I love it, and my sisters are important to me!..
Expertise: I like to help people work through hard times.. and a good dancer...
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  noonebutme1218
Yahoo:  oneoftheguys18
Yahoo:  shyboi1819@yahoo.com
Member Since:
3/18/2004
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| So here we are almost done with October 2009. I have so much to say. I feel so much. I cry inside every night. I can tell people how to fix the things they dislike with their life, but when it comes to mine I feel stuck. It doesnt appear that easy to me. Maybe it's not easy to them either? Who knows. My heart isn't broken. The pain I feel is disappointment in myself. I feel like I'm way off the path that I'm suppose to be on. I really wish that I could go see Robin. If I sell my car I think I might use some of that money to go see her, because right now I need guidance. I need to hear what I'm doing right, because right now I'm doing a lot of things wrong. Making the wrong choices, but I feel that I'm fighting the battle the wrong way. I don't have any friends and I don't drink and drive, I don't steal, I pray almost every night. Maybe I should pray for forgivness.. I havn't asked for that. I ask for self-control, patients, guidance, strength and motivation. I think that my parents got under my skin before I moved. I know that I've lied countless times to them. I know that I didn't use my best judgement before. I know that I've caused a lot of pain to my family, but how can I move forward when they keep telling me who I am? I am not that person anymore. I haven't been that person in a couple years. but when I keep hearing it over and over and over and over again it gets inside and I start to believe that again. I know that I have been drinking alot more than I use to, BUT not anything serious. I maybe have 6 beers a week. A WEEK not a night and I don't get to the point where I'm drunk. Since my 21st birthday I have only been drunk 4 times. I can name each place and the month and here I am going on 23. I think thats responsible. Also I know that I have been smoking pot for a long time. Since April I have been smoking pot every day. but I always said that I did it because I liked the thought process I would have. It helpped me see the BIG picture instead of just seeing whats in front of me. So maybe the karma is coming around for that for not staying true to myself. I don't know!!! Kyle and I have lived in this house for almost 3 months and we both are jobless and we have been living off the money his mom has been sending him. The one positive thing that I've done was getting back in school. I am back in school now thank God. I have been just coasting along trying to figure out what to do. and day by day goes by and I'm in the same position. I know what I should be doing and what I need to do, but its so hard to motivate myself. Even with drag. I love it so much, but I dont even have the motivation for that. Yesterday kyle and I had a fight and he said some hurtful things, things that made a fire inside me burn. things that I'm still mad about and things that I still wanna scream at him about and be like what the fuck are you talking about! BUT After we were done I felt so clear. I felt centered. I felt as if I was me again. I suggested that we quit smoking pot and he agreed. So we smoked the rest of what we have and put all of it away so its out of sight out of mind. I feel good today, a little sad, but I'm getting things done that need to be done. I was on Craigslist earlier today and sent out about 15 copies of my resume which is nothing new to me. I have done that everyday even before we moved in here. but I just clicked on a bunch of jobs and read the requierments quick to make sure it wasnt something that I didnt have the skills or education in. So HOPEFULLY I get a call from someone this week because I need a job. I need to get on a routine again. I need to work out like I use to, I need to dance like I use to. I need to be creative again like I use to, go to sleep at a good time instead of 4 in the morning. I need to start getting up before 11am. So to move forward I started by doing my eyebrows to day and scrubing my face and just clensing myself and did the resumes today and I'm working on selling my car to pay rent this month. So I'm trying to move forward.........Dont dwell on what went wrong, focus on what to do next keep a positive energy to move forward. KEEP MOVING!!!!
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| Today is a great day! I feel like me for the first time in about a couple months. Not a bad thing I just was adjusting to a begining to a new life. But wow!!! Inspiration, faith, love, self control is all been a part of me today. I'm going to start working more on self control. not that I have a serious issue, but I want to be in control of my mind, body and soul. I want to be able to be one with myself at moments when I need a break from life. I will admit that I am quite high at the moment. perhaps even stoned HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. BUT I am however in sync with my heart at the moment and I know what things are important and what things that I might use to cover up pain that may not be the best thing to do to cope with hurt, anger, stress, jealousy. I am on a great path for myself with getting back in school for something that I will be pasionate about. I have an amazing boyfriend who turns into my life partner. I'm starting to join West Michigan Pride and be on the organizations board. I will also be starting an advice column for their news letter. I am handing down a crown, my last one in a couple weeks and competing for a professional title a couple weeks after that. So yeah thats exciting!! Maddie has been distant latley and Terrie has me worried and same ole with my dad and carrie and collette. Things with my mom are getting better! but everything else I am starting to turn around and I love every minute of it! Last night kyle and I listened to a hypnosis track titled the crystal cave. Its one of my favorites and It has a part where you speak to your guardian angel and I think had a lovely conversation with him last night and looks like somethings were answered :)
happiness percentage = 110%
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| So were almost half way through october already... wow.. This is just a short lil update . Kyle and I dont have jobs. we dont do anything but go to bingo, clean,sleep,watch tv.... its pretty boring and ive been stuck in sweat pants for a longtime now lol. I never want to be like this again.. I feel like nothing will become of me and I need to get out of this rut. AHHHH!!!! lol
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| Today is October 4th. Almost a year since I met Kyle. the guy that I think changed my life. The guy who inspired me to knew things, new beliefs, the finding of myself. I feel that he has given me life, but he has taken away my words. I have gone months with out writing. Could it be that I dont have words to share? No I have words, but they dont flow together. My mind is always on the go and I am always thinking about something. When asked what am I thinking about sometimes I say what I'm thinking about and sometimes I lie and say nothing just because I want to keep the peace. My view on life is different than his. That's ok it doesnt mean that we are going to fail as a couple. We're aloud to have different opinions and feelings. People often get upset with me because of the words that I choose to speak and I only speak the truth. I say what I see. I say what I feel and although it might not be the nicest thing or the best words to use at the time thats who I am.
Everyday I still think about kyle and what has happened. I think about the affect it had over me as a person and the way I treat people and the way that I act. He gets upset with me and he doesnt want to discuss it because its already happened and its over. So I guess I made the mistake by letting him back to soon becaue I still have things to sort out and feelings to dispose of. I love him more than anything in this world and I want to be with him, but that doesnt mean that I dont have those feelings of hurt and pain. In my opinion I think that kyle has guilt from it and every time I bring it up its like pouring salt in an open wound. He gets so angry. but he wont take the time to hear me out and get my feelings out long enough for me to heal. I have been thinking of writing letters to people that have helped me along the way, people that I miss, people that have caused me pain, and forgiveness letters. I will write one to him along with maddie, my mom, dad, courtney, sarah, jason. Everyone that I am or once was close with and then I'm going to write every painful memory on a note card and throw it in a garbage bag and throw it in the dumpster and I will let go of it all once in for all. I will make myself happy and rid any painful memorys. Doesnt mean they still wont be there, but I'll let go of the feelings and I will be the person that I want to be with or with out them in my life.
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| So many things in my life are a blur right now. Alot has changed for me again in the last year. I sit and wonder if I make these things happen. Do I enjoy the pain? Do I look for the hurt? Do I enjoy crying? but then I think about everything that has happened and a lot of it I do allow to happen, because I do have the choice. I moved out of ambers into my moms, then now im living with kyle. Yep it has happened. Kyle and I are living together. He broke up with Kristin again and in june he came back. (this is where I have a choice) I let him back. I let him promise me that he wants to be here. I told myself that I'm going to listen to his actions, not his words. Everything happened the way I wanted it too. now 3 months later we're sharing a house and things are a little rough and I try to tell myself that its just because we're really stressed out, but is that the real reason. I try to explain to him that I still question things because everytime he's come back we have gotten further then .....he's gone....and he changed his number to get rid of kristen, but she some how got it again. Thats why we had a fight last night, that ended with him throwing his phone at the wall and me having an anxiety attack. I fear him. I hate to say that. but I do. I feel that I cant talk to him about anything about him, because he gets so defensive. It could be guilt thats making the wall come up, but its like he trys to act like just because it happened that its done, and thats not how it works. your past is what makes you who you are. You will never get anywhere in life if you live day to day. you have to look back and look beyond the present, but live in the present but dont block it out. Dont get angry when someone brings something up. and what did throwing his phone at the wall really do? put a dent in the wall and scared me. Did it help the situation? no! So last night I promised myself that I will not be treated that way anymore. If he cant handle the truth then he cant handle me, because thats who I try to stand for. I can admit all my faults with out throwing anything or getting an attitude or raising my tone. I will admit every single fault I have, but it took me a long time to search for it, and realize that you can truly move on from something after you can accept it. You have to accept the things you cant change, but you better make sure you cover your ass. He fails to understand how I feel, he gets angry. He will be so calm and say the right things, but as soon as you bring up something then it totaly flips and then its all backwards. like last night he was totally understanding and calm when he said we could sit down with kristen and talk to her, then when it came down to the point of actually making it happen thats when he got an attitude and started to express that he really didnt want to do that. he gets upset because I dont trust him. Instead of getting upset and getting an attitude look at me and tell me you love me more than anything and that you cant see yourself with out me, and that you will do anything to prove to me so my heart doesnt hurt anymore. because thats what I would do for him. He told me that he was going to talk to his mom about a pill that his dad takes for his temper, but if I bring it up he would get pissed off at me instead of saying oh yeah I forgot to talke to her about it, I'll give her a call quick and ask her. Thats not how he would handle the situation. He doesnt like to t hink about his life. He doesnt like being told to do something even if its a reminder. because he gets the same attitude and expression on his face when I say something that my mom or anyone else says. He treats me so different then what he use too.. When we were at campit he kissed me and then looked at me and said I think this is one of the moments where no one else exsist. I want that kyle. The one that was so happy that he was in my life. The one that made me believe in life. the one that gave me my dreams. the person that gave me the greatest high from life.. The person I wanted to give my soul to. The one person that would protect me.
I'm moving on with my life. I'm growing. Time to be an adult, admit my faults, take pride in the work done with my hands, express my wisdom, share my heart with other, I'm taking my life to the next level. Time to wipe the tears from my broken heart and realize that I'm a one of a kind. I keep my distance because I want to go somewhere in my life and I cant be held back. I've let go of so many close friends and its time to live my life the way I want to. I'm making the choices I want to make, because one day you will look at me and say what about me and I will say back what about you. You were never there when I needed you. Where you there watching my tears hit my pillow at night? Where you there when I couldnt breathe? when I was choking on life? Its my choice to let people in. So if your in consider it a blessing. because I will be someone you will always think of and remember. Life is to short to be angry, but seems so long when you feel the pain and all you need is that person to erase the pain. That person will come into your life. When they do, heal them dont cause them pain. Because they love you and their love might be something worth holding on too. maybe even forever!
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